JUDY EMERSON Author and Personal Coach

Arrrrgggghhhhhhh. Well, my Facebook account was hacked in a serious way this afternoon, and I suddenly can’t get into Messenger. So, if you’ve contacted me and I’m not getting back to you, I’m sorry about that. Try me here on the website and I can respond from here. Or the email address: judyemersonauthor.gmx.com.

Yikes. Here’s the latest in a long series of episodes when I’ve stepped in shit. I clicked on a link I shouldn’t have. I know better than to click on a link that was sent to me, that I didn’t seek on my own, when I didn’t know the sender. Somebody did what scammers often do, which is to send a message that sounds official and scary. I got triggered me by their allegation I’d done something wrong. So, I reacted before I thought it through. Eeesh. And then I got pretty agitated. It’s creating some significant problems, and I was really upset for about a half hour.

And… deep breath. I owned the responsibility I earned, but I didn’t take on the fault of people who are doing their best to rip me off in ways I can’t even fathom. I told myself the truth. So. The horse is out of the barn. What’s done is done and can’t be erased. What now? Everybody makes a mess sometimes. Maturity, to the degree I sustain it, or even wisdom, when it applies, doesn’t translate into making every choice the perfect one. I don’t like it when I mess up. Nobody likes it. But the real difference in having my life work better most of the time isn’t in the mistake-making itself, it’s in how I respond. (These sentences are all part of the self-talk I used to calm myself. I know from experience that rational thoughts can soothe rampant feelings.)

It was clear I had to take some steps. So, I did some googling, for how to contact Facebook, and for some YouTube videos about steps to take for this problem. I’m doing research, and trying to stay calm, even though it’s frustrating. I’m asking for help, from knowledgeable people. I called my computer guy, who’s researching too.

I have discovered that freaking out through whatever variety of four-letter-exclamations, or yelling, or calling myself stupid, or beating my head against a wall don’t help at all. They have never had the effect of teaching me any needed lesson or preventing a reoccurrence. They only prevent rational thought in the moment and keep me stuck.

These days, after decades on this journey, I catch myself a little earlier in the default beating-myself-up response. I need a little kindness, and I can be the first person to offer it. Deep breathing, taking a walk or going to the gym are good ideas. I try to be careful with my drug of choice (for me it’s food, but the urge to escape discomfort is common to a whole variety of addictions which are not good ideas.)

And while I’m taking the rational steps I can, to clean up the mess I’ve allowed into my life, I’m also working on forgiving myself. I’m not stupid. I’m not a bad person. We all deserve forgiveness for our errors, me included. The job is to turn things around again, get back on track as soon as I am able. Which won’t happen instantly, or even quickly. I don’t have to like it, but I sure don’t want to make my own life worse by wallowing in rage or shame or hopelessness. You know that old saying that you shouldn’t shit in your own nest? Yeah. My throwing tantrums right now would only be fouling my own nest. This is MY life, I want to keep it as clean and workable as I can. Nobody else can rescue me from the mess. I have to be the grownup, and grownups know that staying in the freakout zone will only prolong the agony and prevent thinking clearly. Then I would become my own problem.

And I don’t want to give scammers my power. They’re not allowed to derail my life.

So, I’m focusing on calm. Getting calm was job one, and staying calm is the second part. Because all that follows can only be helped by my rational thought process, or hindered if I don’t find self-management that works.

That’s the very best I’ve got right now. One step at a time. One day at a time might be too much sometimes, so I can chunk it down to an hour at a time, or even five-minute chunks sometimes. For now, I’m just going to make this hour a more reasonable one than it might have been.

And breathe.